Secrets and Lies

The world revolves around secrets and lies!

Crafted stories underscore this theme.

Initiates feast with innocent eyes

and drink from the cup of this sly scene.

With pure intentions, naive novices try,

the “Power of One” their motto’d phrase,

and soon discover this unpleasant surprise:

Absolute power corrupts in absolute ways.

They look to those who are older and wise,

confounding the essential part they play.

But eventually this passion for truth dies,

and dissolves in the deceitful  buffet.

Children taught not to lie in tender youth

yet, when older, slowly open the crafty door.

Discomfort follows in the wake of  truth

to reveal, “unpeel” the secret rotten core.

Failure to deviate now seems uncouth;

as we forget when we valued what was pure.

We sell our integrity at the character booth

and victimize new initiates once more.

This evil circle renews on the new crop of youth

as we  collectively seek to “even the score”……

Secrets and lies are an unending circle taught to the young and encouraged by the world.  While it is rather “heavy”, I hope it strikes a chord in you.

And no matter where you work, even in the best of places, there are times when the truth is not encouraged or wanted.  “Political correctness” is the sly lie that slides off the tongue of those who want and need to suppress the truth.

On a more universal scale, it is time for the light of truth to expose the shadows, and in so doing, bring to light the desperate sin that is running rampant.  Shining the light in the darkness will do nothing but intensify evil unless repentance is part of the solution.

 

Unsynched Pendulum

Un-synched synaptic pendulum
An off-beat neuronal flow
Inherited from genetic lines
Disequilibrium my eternal woe

Pivotal weight heavy and sad
For long periods swinging slow
Hiding this emotional meanness
Time hangs heavy when it swings low

Light weight frantically swings
Soaring on my mental fly
Judgment goes out the door
“I am my own high”

Thank God for His mercies!
For when I focus on Him
The demons fade and grow dim
And, for now, a short term win.

The highs and lows of severe emotional intensity and emotional dysregulation makes every day a hard-fought battle.  It is exhausting.  I really cant wait until I am perfected in Jesus.  He is my light, my salvation, my forgiveness.  He keeps me going and gives me hope and purpose for each day.  Thank you Lord.

Unholy Pain

I have a condition understood poorly.

Chronic pain the hallmark to sufferers all.

A syndrome of many symptoms, surely

the scourge of physicians, sour with unbelief!

Whiners, hypochondriacs we are called.

In restless sleep there is no relief;

the pain similar to muscles mauled.

Burning fatigue, nerves’ constant  bite

waxing, waning but never gone.

Vindication, every sufferers’ right;

yet support of others’ often withdrawn.

 “Fibromyalgia Fog” a lippy phrase

as we struggle with memory and tasks.

Life becomes a fuzzy, misty maze.

Raining inside, with smiling masks

as medications throw us in a daze.

To some, other problems appear

TMJIBS, stiffness and muscle spasms,

Healthcare now our unwanted sphere;

feeling well grows into a widening chasm.

Often undiagnosed for many years

as all other conditions are ruled out.

Then tossed aside, stepchild for life;

Unbelieved, even we begin to doubt.

Is it in our heads? Are we our own strife?

“Never give in” our mottoe’d shout

I may not conquer this Demon Beast

but some day I will even the score.

This unholy pain will surely cease

with  death’s long sweet kiss

and I will feel it’s sting no more.

No, I shall attempt to not depress you too much, but I cannot ignore a condition that has affected me, and affects 1 in 12 new visits to a Rheumatologist.  I was 14 when I realized I Had A Problem that was diagnosed as fibromyalgia in my early 20’s. While 14 is unusually young, it does happen, and is associated with inflammatory disease later in life.

I will never forget sitting in English in Miss Yost’s class and trying to get comfortable for the 1000th time and suddenly realizing that I couldn’t remember anymore a day without pain.  As a very stoic kid-I lived at my ENT doctor’s office due to a congenital problem—I had been told all my life how my parents paid for his kids’ college with my medical bills. And I somehow knew that this would not be an easy answer.

So I suffered in silence and tried in a typically weird teenage way to cope by exercise and anorexia.  Back then FM had a poor prognosis, so it was a good thing that I kept it to myself. But when I got married and got a very stressful job I just couldn’t do it anymore, so I went to my doctor for help.  He jabbed my arm, I yelled and he told me I had FM and there was nothing I could do, but he could put me on Prozac and BTW he thought I was bipolar.  I cried, it had taken 10 years for me to tell anyone and that is the treatment I got.  In a rather cruel twist of fate, bipolar was not my diagnosis either and I was finally diagnosed last year with the true problem that affects so many people in our culture today: Borderline Personality Disorder.

While he was partly correct, his uncaring attitude lost me as a patient.  I suffered for another 15 years, then began with weird and frightening symptoms with very high inflammatory markers so my GP sent me to a Rheumatologist, who said I did have FM and he did have some medications to help, but he was much more interested in my mystery medical condition.  I went to him for a year for an undiagnosed inflammatory condition, then I seemed to get better, so he released me and said he could see me every six months for FM.

Six days later I woke up in horrible pain with fingers as big as sausages.  In true Lori fashion, I tried to live with it until I couldn’t even put clothes in the wash, then I dragged myself back. His first response?  He sat down and yelled at me that he couldn’t do anything else for my FM.  I teared up and said I wasn’t asking him to then showed him my hands.  Ahhh….a  REAL medical problem!  So I got the icky news that I had a pre-rheumatoid arthritis condition that needed a load of medications to keep it from progressing.

While I am grateful for the medications available now, and for the medications that are helping FM sufferers, it still is a condition that is the stepchild of the medical community.  My Inflammatory Arthritis is more painful, but I can walk it out;  only one medicine helps with my chronic muscle pain. And shame on all the physicians out there who dismiss this as Something Beneath Them.  As the payer, THEY are serving ME, and I believe that most of them have forgotten this.

Pearl in the oyster? I am one  tough cookie; I have a wacky sense of humor; I am grateful to live in a time period where medications are available and I think my struggles to shine despite my tarnish have made me a better person.  Live, Love, Learn.

Physical and mental health are so intertwined. I recently discovered that I am my own worst enemy, as my “catastrophizing”  coping skill, and severe depression prior to the start of my symptoms (which were in turn the start of borderline personality disorder) probably helped to initiate the cascaded that led to FM disorder.  So if you have FM or BPD or emotional dysregulation and your doctor wants you to get a mental health evaluation, dont fight it.  It really is all related, and getting your emotional and mental health in good shape is critical.

Lost Generation (Two word poem)

Generation lost!

Fate failed

Societal cost

State mailed

Carelessly tossed

Youth jailed

************

Unloved most

Abused, derailed

Suffering host

Psyche frail

**************

 Scoured coast

Feelings stale

Future’s toast

Rudderless tale

Some time ago I visited the state adolescent Youth Services Center stationed at Watkins Mill, the state sponsored program for abused and problematic adolescents.  We folded bags for Harvester’s, a food pantry in my area, for an 8000 bag food drive.  I spent an amazing couple of hours with 6 girls, all of whom thrilled to have a visitor and to help with the project.  Afterwards, we shared teenager approved snacks and played Apples-to-Apples, and eye-opening experience to me.  Very few of them could read or understand the words, even though they loved the game.  My heart ached as the young quiet girl next to me tried to sound out words and whisper questions about what they could mean.  She seemed so lost and scared.  While I didn’t know her story, most of the kids placed there are for delinquency, truancy or protection from abuse.  But I was amazed by their sense of fun, politeness and camaraderie.  And touched by their immediate acceptance of me.

I highly recommend trying a service project for yourself.  My day had meaning for both myself and a half-dozen girls who otherwise would have spent the afternoon with no visitors and nothing to do.  Some of these young people don’t have a permanent home to go after their stay at the program ends, having been abandoned by their family.  They will either be placed in foster care, where they will be shifted from house to house until their 18th birthday.  There is no transitioning program.  When they are 18, they are released to go their own way.  No wonder so many go into drugs or prostitution or crime.  What else have they been prepared to do?  Having no home, no family support, no mentor, they are

 L-O-S-T    S-O-U-L-S

I thought the beautiful song “Dream With Me” was very appropriate for this post.  It was written by the soprano prodigy Jackie Evancho and her father and appears on her debut album “Dream With Me”.  Check her out if you don’t know her, she has a voice that will make your mouth drop with shock.  While I am just a shadow,  this is an honest and simple rendition with no equipment or embellishment.  I hope you will love this song as much as I do.

Dream With Me A Capella

Two word poem:  a very simple form with two words in each stanza

Purposeful Life (Senryu)

Our reason for life

God’s beloved creation

Worship gives purpose

This is why we are here.  I hope that you will find this truth in your life someday.  For me, kicking myself out of the drivers’ seat and placing Jesus there has transformed my life.  Keep searching and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to the truth of the gospel.

Senryu: same as Haiku in structure but theme is related to feelings and relationships

 

Viral Warfare

Surrounded, my war-painted spirit flinches

as your jagged temper serrades my bones.

Minutes morph into miles

in this marathon inside my mind,

as weeping walls will their way, ever closer,

and closed cubbords hoard threadbare wares

once fattened with short-order convenience.

YOUR hateful words pierce their way

through my hunger-worn bowels;

MY hangry mood feebly deflects

darts dipped in sweetly-poisoned jibes.

I claim my territory with warrior yells

as our marriage vows dissolve

into an acrid covenant of fear….

an uncounted tragedy of viral warfare.

I have been deeply saddened that many couples in China have survived the horror of long quarantine only to succomb to the pain of divorce.  I woke up with some of these words in my head, only imagining the stressful events that led to this decision.  I pray for healing and hope to come to our lands soon.  But more import

 

 

Attraction Reaction (Etheree)

Fire

Passion

Hot ardor

Smoldering heat

Flaring emotions

Boiling, red-hot anger

Volatile declarations

Vacate with a bang and a flash

Tears carbonize ventricle edges

Curbed,  fire and ice create flowing water

Ice

Restraint

Arctic vibe

Chilling retreat

Glacial hardening

Stiffened, white-frost anger

Frigid repudiation

Abide as veins harden to ice

Tears glaciate ventricle edges

Curbed, fire and ice create calm synergy

Perhaps some of you are in a relationship of opposites.

One full of passion and fire, who feels too deeply and the singed scars cause the heart to fail over time.

The other reticent and restrained where all feeling flows in a subterranean underground and rarely bubbles to the surface.  They feel, but ruthlessly regulate it.  Thickened ice causes the heart to fail over time.

Couples like this can be wonderful, a beautiful balancing act.  But this type of relationship requires constant re-zeroing of scales, or the balance turns into chaos.  To those of you who are happily balanced, you are blessed.

 

Note:

Etheree: Consists of 10 lines of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 syllables. Etheree can also be reversed and written 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Get creative and write an Etheree with more than one verse, but follow suit with an inverted syllable count.

Picture: aroostookreview.umfk.maine.edu

SonRise

As I gaze upon the sunrise,

God’s promise, renewed each morning!

These gorgeous,  multi-hued skies

lost to souls weary and scorning.

Each sunrise daily shows Your Glory!

This wonder renewed, viewed by all eyes,

unappreciated by the lost and forlorn.

Few thank You for this glorious prize.

But fewer men, your finest creation,

praise You daily; your gift of salvation

unknown to these unsaved nations

who daily rise, their unwelcome yoke

hot as flame, heavy with despair.

Unaware that Jesus, in agony, broke

Satan’s hold as Lord of the Air.

Few now seek you in prayer.

Hearts, black with hate, do not care,

rejecting gifts You renew and repair.

We trash your creation, living for cash,

hoping that riches will heal the ache.

Billions of lost, angry, unsaved souls

do not understand what can create

a renewed life, a spirit fully whole.

Belief in Your sacrifice will make

a Son Rise that all can appreciate.

The Good News of the Gospel transcends time.  May you be renewed and rest in Jesus (Yeshua) finished work on the Cross.

Passion in Gethsemane

The poem below imagines Jesus’ prayer to His Heavenly Father asking God to take the upcoming suffering away from Him.  I can’t imagine the wrenching pain this separation caused to Our Heavenly Father and His Only Begotten Son but I know it was a singular event that became the bridge that is our only connection back to Jehovah.  I hope you have a blessed Good Friday and remember Jesus’ great sacrifice for us.

Jesus:
Oh Father, take this cup from me

Jehovah:
My dearest Son, you will set mankind free.

Jesus:
Father may Your Will be done….

Jehovah:
You will knit the breach, my Son

Jesus:
Father, My tears fall like bloody rain!

I cannot bear the spiritual pain

and I am afraid, this body so frail.

Jehovah:
My Son, you will not fail!

Your sacrifice is the final end

and a perfect, permanent mend.

Jesus:
Is there no other way?

Jehovah:
Keep the faith dear Son, do not stray.

Jesus:
I will do as you command.

Jehovah:
Soon, by My right hand you will stand.

Jesus:

The burdensome sin of man

almost breaks me. Please hold my hand.

Jehovah:
But at some point I must let you go.

Jesus:
Leaving me will tear my soul you know,

for we have never been apart.

Jehovah:
Turning my back will break my heart!

But have faith my Son, this will soon be done.

And I will hold you close when we have won.

Satan’s hold on earth will break;

hold on for our creation’s sake.

You will free them from their sin!

Your sacrifice the final, perfect win.

Tethered (Triquain)

Tethered Heart

Grounding my Paupered Soul

Forever Bound by Undeserved Grace

Spiritual Strength in this World of Insanity

Purposeful Life, Wanderless No More

My Hope and Redeemer

Creator

Triquain: The Triquain, created by Shelley A. Cephas, is a poem with several creative variances and can be a rhyming or non-rhyming verse. The simpliest form is a poem made up of 7 lines with syllables of 3, 6, 9, 12, 9, 6, and 3 in this order.