Raynauds

My hands are encased in fleshly ice;
in a never ending land of winter’s bane.
I have rolled a gambler’s unlucky dice
colored the blue of royal veins.
These symptoms are the price;
Raynaud’s has come to me again.
My nerveless dexterity, imprecise,
as I rub out the neuropathic pain.
My fingers, the hue of beets sliced,
ruddy red with arterial strain!
If I could this condition excise…
A thought that does entice.

I am a mummy wrapped up tight against the loss of sensation in my fingers.  Raynauds is a condition where arterial blood flow shuts down to certain areas of the body in cold conditions.  Fingers are most commonly affected.  The affected area of the body looks frostbitten and are either numb or intensely painful.  I am a prisoner inside on cold days.  I dread getting stuck on the road, for my car heater isn’t even sufficient enough to keep the symptoms from causing the blood flow to shut down.

 

Insomnia Lament

When darkness flees the break of dawn

tumbled mind flies in turbulent flight.

Hyper-awake, wide-eyed with bankrupt yawns;

dream-deserted in unshrouded night.

If I could hold at bay this overworked pawn

and let ruminations take welcomed flight!

But I am doomed to this daily mourn….

my early bird, Groundhog Day blight.

• ≈ ♦ ≈ •

Without medication, I sleep 4-5 hours then I wake up suddenly with a white hot brain.  So bright I can actually see white flashes and feel the hyperactivity in my frontal cortex. It is a very uncomfortable, fatiguing experience, and one that I wish would end.  My psychiatrist says I must continue with Clonazapam as I have an unfortunate side effect of bipolar disorder–racing thoughts that  I cant control.  I don’t get rest on the best of nights due to fibromyalgia and sleep apnea, and the racing thoughts are just another chip in my fragile ice.  I fear that someday I shall break from the strain of constant medical symptoms.

In order to protect my son from his own stupidity, I have resorted to a biometric safe for my medications.  My home is not a safe place for a drug abuser with all the medications that I take for my various medical conditions.  I worry constantly that he will get into one of them and over dose by accident, as he has in the past.

Secrets and Lies

The world revolves around secrets and lies;

Half truths and full lies underscore the theme.

Gullible souls turn guileless blind eyes,

Evil and “misguidance” from truth flies;

Prey on the innocent and uninitiated green.

Pure intentioned, the preyed novice tries

The “Power of One” their motto’d phrase.

But soon discovers the unpleasant surprise:

Absolute power corrupts in absolute ways

They look to those who are older and wise,

Not knowing the essential part they play.

But eventually their passion for truth dies;

Lost to the seductive, power-hungry craze.

Discomfort follows the nakedness of  truth.

It reveals, “unpeels” the secret rotten core.

Children taught not to lie as tender youth

Yet when older, secrets and lies open the door.

Failure to deviate now seems uncouth;

We forget when we valued what was pure.

We sell our integrity at the character booth

And victimize new initiates once more.

This evil circle renewed, next generation’s chore

Perpetually perpetrated to “even the score”……

• ≈ ♦ ≈ •

I have lived with secrets and lies for two years now as I watch drug dealers ruin my son and live with the consequences as these evil people seduce him into believing that drugs will solve his problems. But secrets and lies permeate our society as a whole.  I am sure you can relate to this on some level.

Vortex

I am my own tornado

whirling round and round.

 I weeble and I wobble

and now and then fall down.

A sailor from first days’ furlough,

I walk on legs newly found,

weaving through mists and bubbles

as tide-tossed from level ground.

Visual field in disarray,

my spiraling galaxy’s out of bounds.

Weary of vertigo’s whirling unrest,

my “body ship” has run aground.

I long for inner ear peacefulness…..

with vestibular equilibration…..sound

 ∞≈♥≈♥≈♥≈∞

Sigh.  One never knows what the day will bring.  Mine has lately brought me 10 days of misery from vomiting and vertigo and feeling like I am going to faint.  I have lived curled up in my bed since the day I was suddenly attacked at work one morning with low blood pressure and vomiting.  Life is stopped in my tracks while my work tasks keep piling up and my house turns into a wasteland of trash.  Of course, watching me fall oh-so-slowly over when sky and ground flip in my vision must be rather funny to watch, like a toddler just learning her first steps.  My mom always told me I can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.  As usual, she was (eventually) right.

Picture: website.lineone.net

Restore Plea

Layers of sadness forestall calm thought

Release blighted day to bright tomorrow

Renew amnesiac regret

Unglue morbid sorrow

Clear accounts deep in dept

Restore time, now stalled

Unseal eyes with future blind

Remove inky black-walled

    TORTURE—

Renew happy hopes, once mine

♠♠♠

Often I wish that I could go back in time and erase mistakes.  I was full of these feelings when I wrote this poem.

 

“Mended”

I caved to coercion from guilt-laden faults

as you throw silky threats of dire results

to “protect” children you hold dear.

Yet I think that you more fear

the loss of mad reckless spending.

This breach bespeaks half-hearted mending.

You say your forgiveness repaired our  rift.

Yet cold hearted retaliation is your gift.

Emotionally beaten I turn into stone.

“Failure is mine and mine alone”

♠♠♠

This is a very personal poem written when stuffed full of anger and unhappiness and needed a release from repressed feelings.