Viral Warfare

Surrounded, my war-painted spirit flinches

as your jagged temper serrades my bones.

Minutes morph into miles

in this marathon inside my mind,

as weeping walls will their way, ever closer,

and closed cubbords hoard threadbare wares

once fattened with short-order convenience.

YOUR hateful words pierce their way

through my hunger-worn bowels;

MY hangry mood feebly deflects

darts dipped in sweetly-poisoned jibes.

I claim my territory with warrior yells

as our marriage vows dissolve

into an acrid covenant of fear….

an uncounted tragedy of viral warfare.

I have been deeply saddened that many couples in China have survived the horror of long quarantine only to succomb to the pain of divorce.  I woke up with some of these words in my head, only imagining the stressful events that led to this decision.  I pray for healing and hope to come to our lands soon.  But more import

 

 

REPENT (acrostic)

Rage….against this infectious storm

enveloping lands drunk with empty promise, as we

proudly stick up the middle fingers of our diverse gods toward

enemy number one, as Gods laws’ are spat out of minds.  And mouths

nepharious with artful deception, sequester away

time, which slides, with exponential speed, toward our ultimate doom.

I think God’s hand is mighty in this pandemic.  He has timed the exponential explosion right when the salvation work of Jesus is celebrated.  As the worst of humanity rears its ugly head, society implodes when people have no hope.   And it is during this time of year when God’s hope is easy to read about.  I wholeheartedly believe that God is using  this virus as a way to lead people back to Him.  This may also be God’s judgment for our rampant and embedded evil and that the only answer lies in individual and world repentance.  Dont you feel the evil surrounding you?  Arent you tired of it’s hold on your soul?  It is time to repent, turn away from our sin, throw ourselves in front of the seat of our mighty Creator and accept His gift of salvation found only in Christ Jesus.  For some of you, time is of the essence and not on your side.  Now is the time to decide, now can be the day of your salvation.

God requires you to do the following to restore communion with Him:

Confess your sin to Him and ask for forgiveness

(Romans 3:23 All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God;  Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is Jesus Christ our Lord;  1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)

Acknowledge that YOU can not save yourself and that you need God to save you through His plan of salvation.  Believe in God’s plan of salvation from eternal death through the sacrifice of His only son, Jesus Christ, who covered our sins and became our perfect and only sacrifice.  Confess that Jesus as Lord and Savior and call on Him for salvation.  

(John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. )

Living a life after salvation is an active process!  Turn away from your sin, follow God’s commands, grow in daily communion with Him by following Jesus daily. Confess new sin, read and obey the word of God, fellowship with other christians, look for opportunities to help others and spread the word of the gospel (“good news of God’s salvation plan”)

(James 1:21-22  Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.)

Show evidence of your new life in Jesus and get baptized.  Baptism is a commandment that we are ordered to follow.

(1 Peter 3:21 Baptism, which corresponds to this, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.)

May God bless you and keep you in these trials.  The book of James  is an excellent place to start daily reading as the chapters are short and to the point and the advise is very practical.  Chapter one tells us how to live during trials and persecutions.

Acrostic: a poetry form where the first letter in the line spells out a word by the end of the poem that is related to the theme of the rhyme.

Echoes in my Dreams

Whisps of promised help
puff on the breeze
of viral-infused breath
as the screeching cries
of the cremated ill
haunt my restless dreams.

Look out! My steps
tread their harrowed haunts
as breath-deprived shades
wander over desolate streets.

Echoes of the abolished
reverberate in hollow speech,
and dead-tired eyes,
of the medically traumatized…

….and death waits in
beds of the abandoned….

…..as scenarios that tabulate
life and death choices
morph from dark probabilities
into grimly stark reality.

I wake up with fragments of poems from my dreams.  It seems the virus has its hold on my mind.  This is a 4-word-line free poem.

Lament

I conscripted you

with immersive

 yet spurious

love,

a tsunami of

concocted affection,

as I swept away

your torrents of resentment

with false pretense.

Now our relationship,

a farcical lean-to,

an unbolted façade,

sways precariously

with each mendacious huff,

each empty puff of air.

We shore up our fragile shelter

and bolt down empty promises

with the brightness of “someday”.

“Sixty shots of lidocaine on the wall”

Needle sharp shafts…

pierce my skin…

and leave their mark…

with tiny burning flames….

I tense again and again….

my face a stoic mask….

I am too terrified to speak…

afraid that what little bravery I hold…

will spill out of these bloody marks….

Snakelike sheaths march up my veins…

I taste the burning cautery…

as the room fills with smoke….

I remain silent, my muscles frozen….

 painfully locked in place against the fear….

The pain flows over me like a waterfall….

and I separate mind from body….

as trickles of blood slide down my skin…

to pool on the sterile sheets below.

This is a small description of a torturous procedure I had recently.  For the last 7 years I have had intermittent episodes of severe pitting edema in my lower legs.  When it first presented, I went to my primary, and since I was also very fatigued and was dreaming that I had cancer, I announced to him that I had cancer….somewhere, and I thought it was lymphoma.

When one presents crazy self diagnoses to ones’ primary, telling them that ones’ data is partly from a dream is not conducive to agreement.  More likely, they will think that one is having a bipolar moment and call the psychiatrist.

My primary is pretty cool.  He calmly told me that cancer is always possible but far down on the list of possibilities and it was time to get my veins fixed first.

I tried.  A thousand dollars later, after they assured me that my insurance covered it, they recanted and said for some reason my insurance was denying me.

I did have cancer.  Unfortunately it had nothing to do with my leg swelling.

The pitting edema has gotten so bad that at times I can hardly walk by the end if the day. I am struggling to keep my very stressful, active job with a body that is ready to quit.  So I decided to try again with a different center.  I told them my story and they said that of course my insurance covers it.  So a thousand dollars later my ultrasounds show that my veins still suck and I am a candidate.

Again at the last moment I was denied.  This time, the center took it all the way to the top of my insurance company.  And were told there was a rider placed denying treatment for venous disease.  A-ha, that is why I couldn’t get it done in the past, and why several other people I work with also were denied.

I hit the roof. Called the insurance rep for my hospital and told them that this was unacceptable, I was a candidate and she needed to get me authorized.  She did.  Funny thing is, everyone then denied that there was a rider, only a “misunderstanding”.

Hmmmm…..I have my own opinion about that, but now other people in my hospital can get treatment, and believe me I emailed them.

Having varicose vein treatment is nothing less than torture.  I had no idea.  While I really like all the people at the center I am getting treatment at, they are in the dark ages when it comes to pain management.  It is barbaric.  No pre-medication, nothing during the procedure but dozens of lidocaine shots and no pain medication after.  Have you ever had a lidocaine shot?  It burns like fire.  Now imagine up to 15 shots of 10-20 ml lidocaine all up and down your inner leg from groin to ankle, and large sheaths threaded up the vein so it can be burned closed.  I could see the smoke coming up from my body and taste the acrid smell of burning flesh.  Afterward I had huge hematomas from groin to ankle for about three weeks.

That was the easier procedure.

Yesterday I had “sclerotherapy” with vein stripping and another great saphenous vein closure.  I think I passed out after shot number 50.  Two hours of shots, introducers, cauterization, the hard pull of veins reluctantly leaving their 40-odd year home and the drip drip feeling of blood running down my legs.  I do remember the interventional radiologist asking his assistant to make sure I was still alive because no matter what they did I didn’t  move a muscle or even sigh.  He told me afterwards that I was the best patient he had ever treated.  LOL.

In me, terror induces a catatonic-like state.  Heck, I think a corpse would have moved more for him.

Today my legs look like I was beat to a pulp.  I can hardly move.  But–OH–I am grateful.  Grateful that perhaps this will help, that my insurance decided to pay for it, that I am TOUGH.  Hope makes the experience worthwhile, and the end will justify the means.

Why don’t they give pain medications?  I assume its because most people who get this treatment are old, have various amounts of neuropathy, take three pages of meds that may cause problems and they just don’t want to hassle with it.  I do think they need to prepare people better and announce that they will have to suck it up and take it like a person getting tortured.

There’s adult medicine for you.

Doppleganger (Free Verse)

Despair, that monster within

feeds with frenzied ferocity

leaving me hollow….

a discarded snake skin,

crinkled and transparent.

Its’ distorted corpulence

overfills my shell

as I, crippled and unwell,

shoulder its’ burdensome voracity

 and starve by infinite degrees.

My hollow smile sickly swells,

announcing my perditious state,

as your eyes slither away…..

for pretense must be obeyed.

faiLURE (free verse)

Monument of success

you stand aloof

taunting me to stay away

like a recurrent dream

remembered at the very scene

where I cut you off

yet again and again replay…..

If I could discard this iron chain–

this failure

and, like its’ name

LURE it into a sulfurous pit

my mind’s disquiet would regress

and I would seek what I now avoid.

No more would failure’s distress

LURE ME into a vacuous void

full of sighs and one word….QUIT

I am very upset with myself.  I have had intense anxiety since my dad died and have allowed it to stop me from trying something new.  I feel like a failure for allowing it to control my life.  I need to take control back.  I need confidence that life will be ok without him.  I need to let go of my fears and embrace trying something new with a feeling of anticipation and not dread.

Picture: fotado.pl