Shattered (Pleiades)

She airs out hidden rooms;
soul tarnished dreams waft by–
sorrowful, dusty eyes-
sightless, sun-deprived orbs!
Stain-vintage hopes, forlorn;
sibilant whispers taunt.
Shattered, she shuts the door….

Contentment begins when one can accept where one is NOW, forget about what one COULD do, and wholeheartedly focus on what one CAN do, with no regrets.

I am not content.  I cannot forget what I have lost.  I am trapped in a body that is failing me.   I feel this most intensely, and therefore most bitterly, when I am on vacation.  Then, what I cannot do swallows me whole.

Anymore, my idea of a vacation is getting up when I am ready and spending time on a shaded recliner listening to the waves with a great smutty romance novel and a fruity alcoholic drink.  Pretty tame.

I recently was coerced into going to Arizona.  And I spent most of the vacation in our suite.  I cannot be out in the direct sun for more than 15 minutes before getting burned.  I also get fevers and feel terrible in the sun if out too long.  I have a congenital problem with my ear, which has led to chonic dizziness and vertigo, so any activity requiring balance is curtailed.  Furthermore, I have grade 4 neuropathy damage from chemo, a terrible curse.  My entire body is numb with burning pain, but if affects my feet the most, and my gait is unsteady on anything other than flat ground.  Recently I have developed severe tendonitis in both arms.  Any activity, even the simplest, is very difficult.  Combing my hair, showering, dressing, even holding a cup makes me want to cry.   My legs swell painfully if I am upright for any length to the point where I can leave my fingerprints all up and down my calves from the retained fluid.  I wont even mention the pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia.  I have other issues but these are keeping me from doing all but simple walking.  It appears that I skipped “middle age” entirely; I am quite simply….old.

Watching my family leave me every day for balloon rides, horseback riding, tomcar riding, shooting blah blah has led me to feeling pretty useless.

I am generally more cheerful and accepting and I have a biting, self-deprecating sense of humor.  But my work-life balance has been heavy on the side of work and non-existant on the side of balance. Last June my unit fell apart and I had to leave my part time status and work 12 plus hours a day.  No time for blogs, no thought for creativity and I have physically fallen apart even worse than before.

True to my resilience, I returned to this poetry blog during vacation and in some measure it did soothe my sore, downtrodden soul.  I have missed writing…so much…..

Thank you for reading……

Pleiades: Title is one word.  All first words start with the same letter as the title.  There are 7 lines, each 6 syllables!  Some poets copy the title as the first word of the first line, I chose to put it as the first word of the last line.

Tossed Away (Etheree)

Years of Loyalty, Plans for Future Bliss

Tossed Away with Scribbled Note

Rudderless Unravelled Life Plan

Benumbed Pain Slumbers Within

Swallowing Throat-Ached Tears

Holding Passions’ Grip

This Memory

Awakens

Longed for

Past

I had a devastating event a long time ago.  My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me by letter, throwing me into suicidal depression.  While we have forgiven each other, now and then the pain resurfaces.  This poem releases some of the pain in poetic form.

Picture:fairyfarts.tumblr.com

On the Wings of Time

I fly at the speed of light on the wings of time

to blazing galaxies, spiraling, scintillate

all tightly bound by infinite design.

I flee from magnetic fire-filled orbs

spell-bound by desire-drugged sensuous gaze.

I retreat from ardent heart-pounding obsession

rife with soul-rending, long-languished unease.

I escape from memories, fading to grey-shaded pain

a half-life, fissured between what was and what will be

as thoughts recede with time-trialed restrain.

Release this torrent feeling or regret will remain

as temptation catches this time traveler again.

♦♦♦

This is an autobiographical poem on relationships.  I allowed my mind free reign and twenty years of regret, temptation and desire poured out of my soul. While I have written over 100 poems (most on my other blog), this is one of my favorites.

Picture: wordlesstech.com

Restore Plea

Layers of sadness forestall calm thought

Release blighted day to bright tomorrow

Renew amnesiac regret

Unglue morbid sorrow

Clear accounts deep in dept

Restore time, now stalled

Unseal eyes with future blind

Remove inky black-walled

    TORTURE—

Renew happy hopes, once mine

♠♠♠

Often I wish that I could go back in time and erase mistakes.  I was full of these feelings when I wrote this poem.